Ten Days in the Bookstore

A memory about me working at the gym and the bookstore and taking a German course with a girl that had a crush on me.

In 2019, when I was living in “A…..” in “E….”, I had just gotten dismissed from a job as a receptionist in Gym called “U………. Gym”; owned by a local businessman named “U….”, who was the older brother of my dear friend “A….”, who died in 2018 from a heart attack.

My youngest aunt told me about a job in the bookstore near us called “W….”, meaning (gleam, or sparkle), I applied to the job as a sales person, and a cashier, they called me to do the interview, I was very excited and anxious, I had butterflies in my stomach, I was so worried, I was afraid of failure and humiliation, I wanted not to go, but I went, but I went, when I went over there all the applicants were young women in their 20s. I felt anxious and worried, I love women so much so I hate to show it, I hate looking vulnerable to them, but I love them so much.

The girls went in one by one, when it was my turn I got up and went in, I was asked some questions and answered them briefly, I didn’t talk a lot back then.

I got the job (For my surprise!) and they called me and asked me to show up after two days.

I worked there for 10 consecutive days with no holidays, it was my training period, on the last day a woman asked me about something, I was exhausted, I just starred at her and said nothing, it was almost 10 o’clock. I had been standing there for 8 hours, I had no energy left. So I said nothing. My colleague answered for me. He was my trainer, he was a high school student 10 years younger than me, and he was the only other male with me in the store.

The fatigue caused by the depression was killing me, I slept all day, and went to work, and smoked! Nothing more! Nothing less! Just work and sleep and work and sleep. I got tired, so I decided that I wanted time off for myself, I will spend a year without a job and get treated from the depression.

I was 27 at the time, I wanted to work there for 3 years. But it didn’t happen, I was too tired to do anything.

I don’t know how to fix this fatigue problem, but I will need to. I called “Mr. M……” the owner of the business, and asked him to excuse me from continuing the rest of my three months training, I thought to myself that I would be lying to him if I said that I was going to stay, I knew I had fatigue and that something needed to be done about it. So he excused me, but he respected that I called, telling me that others used to just quit with no notice previously.

After that I stayed at home depressed and fatigued. Mr. L****, my colleague at the bookstore (who also left at the same time, and who had noticed me since the day of the interview), contacted me on Facebook, she asked whether I’d be interested in studying German with her, she had a crush on me but I didn’t know at the time. I said yes! So we went together to the German courses. The instructor was great; she had patience, wore neat and fancy cloths, and I actually liked her.

She was about my age, but I wasn’t working, and she was. I was devastated; why did God give me depression? I hated it. I wanted to heal, or ‘be healed’ so badly.

I didn’t show up to the final exam; cause I was so unfocused the days before to be able to study. My mind was wandering and chattering all the time, I had ADD like symptoms. I still have. So I didn’t show up for the exam.

And that’s today’s story.

~ Mo!

I want my life back

The fifth of October, 2019. I’m still awake since yesterday. Only one year has passed since my graduation from college. It feels like a long long time ago!.. It’s 4:30 AM, I should be sleeping, but instead I’m binge-blogging. It’s a way for me to be away from Facebook.

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I’ve been using Facebook since 2008. In this year I was graduating high school. After graduating I traveled to another city to study Engineering. I was living in a dorm, so I had no TV, and no smartphones or internet. My only connection to the outside world was going to a near cyber cafe and opening Facebook. At that time began my addiction to Facebook. There’s something very relaxing about writing and posting!

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Now I’m taking it to WordPress, it gives me the posting feature, but with much less of the noise in the background. I can write where no one is following me. Where I just talk to myself, about myself!

The first year at college went great, I got myself a couple of As and Bs, and was very proud of myself.. I only got one F at the Physics B course. I was going to specialize in Mechatronics Engineering. I’ve always wanted to be great at something special! Mechatronics department sounded like something a few people knew of at the time. I wanted to be great, that’s all. I was 16 when I chose this field. How is a 16 years old supposed to choose what he wants to do with life?! I wonder about that now.. There something inherently wrong with a world that expects teenagers to find their specialty at age 16 or 17. You might find a kid this age who has found his or her passion in life, but is it the average, or is the world forcing kids to take huge decisions about life at an early age?

HTI_Logo

For me it was hard to choose, but that wasn’t the problem, I enjoyed Engineering and I could’ve easily passed my exams, maybe with an F here and an F there, but I’d have finished it. It was due to major depression that I gradually became numb! So numb that I didn’t want to go to college anymore! I tried to fight it, but it just got the best of me! I didn’t learn that I had depression until 2010 probably; two years after graduating high school, and three years before dropping out of college. It was a painful experience.. painful and frustrating; especially that my depression was just like having diabetes; it’s just a chronic condition, there’s nothing I can do about it except to cope!

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I remember the day I walked to my therapist, and I didn’t know yet what was wrong with me, and she told me that what I had was “depressive tendencies”, it was such a nice word for the severe level of depression that I discovered I had! Depression is one of the hardest illnesses to beat! It was a long, long road, and I’m still fighting.

The problem with the depression was trying to find a meaning to all of it; you feel that it’s completely pointless, this sickness that is robbing you of your life one day at a time! You keep watching the days as they flow away from you, day after day! The days then turn to weeks and the weeks turn to months and the months to years, the more time passes by, the more you feel stuck in this condition, stuck in this place.

Given_Up_Linkin_Park

It’s especially sad when you find people taking waking up in the morning with energy for granted, when you absolutely have zero energy to do anything. Depression interferes with your reward/motivation mechanism, you stop feeling the motivation to do, or the pleasure from doing, absolutely anything.

definition-anhedonia

I reach a point where I’m just extremely angry at God for doing that to me, I lose my belief in religion and in god and become like a nihilist atheist with no sense of purpose or meaning.

At a point in 2016, I took a decision not to make any change in my ideology and philosophy anymore; because it was all stemming from the depression, and the depression wasn’t real. It was real in a sense that I felt it, but in the way it made me see the world through it’s extremely dark glasses it was a distortion of reality, and a very unhelpful one!

Here I defined my main battle: Overcoming, or coping with, the depression. It wasn’t about philosophy or religion anymore, it wasn’t about abstract thoughts about morality, ethics, meaning and purpose. It was my own inner experience, I decided to use a tool from psychology instead of philosophy: cognitive behavioral techniques.

It took me many years after my life has been destroyed back and forth time after time after time to get up again, for the billionth time, to try to start all over again.

I traced back my depression to 11 years old, so now it has been 17 years. I want to overcome it. And that’s my main goal.

I want my life back, and I will get it.

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What is CBT?

Here I try to write about CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy using sources from Youtube and a book.

CBT is one of the most effective treatments for things like anxiety disorders, depression disorders, bipolar depression, ADHD… and a lot of other problems.

It’s about understanding yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, learning how to get unstuck with your thoughts, developing skills to help yourself manage difficult emotions and also help you be in the situations that you want to be in.

CBT is transparent and goal oriented; it’s not ambiguous and it focuses on the present and developing skills that help you get unstuck. It’s an active treatment, with homework and activities between session and session.

CBT is short-term, and it is a therapy that psychologists have monitored and showed that it statistically improves the lives of patients. CBT believes that it isn’t so much what happened to us through life, but it’s how we think about what’s happened to us in life. Not the life event itself, but my thoughts about it.

As a patient of depression and social anxiety I first came across the word CBT in a book called Overcoming Social Anxiety & Shyness” by Gillian Butler. Up until this day I didn’t know that there was something called social anxiety, I had it, but I didn’t know it had a name.

At the beginning of the book it gives us an overview of what CBT is:

“Over the past two or three decades, there has been something of a revolution in the field of psychological treatment. Freud and his followers had a major impact on the way in which psychological therapy was conceptualized, and psychoanalysis and psychodynamic psychotherapy dominated the field for the first half of this century. So, long-term treatments were offered which were designed to uncover the childhood roots of personal problems – offered, that is, to those who could afford it. There was some attempt by a few health service practitioners with a public conscience to modify this form of treatment (by, for example, offering short-term treatment or group therapy), but the demand for help was so great that this had little impact. Also, whilst numerous case histories can be found of people who are convinced that psychotherapy did help them, practitioners of this form of therapy showed remarkably little interest in demonstrating that what they were offering their patients was, in fact, helpful.

As a reaction to the exclusivity of psychodynamic therapies and the slender evidence for its usefulness, in the 1950s and 1960s a set of techniques was developed, broadly collectively termed ‘behavior therapy’. These techniques shared two basic features. First, they aimed to remove symptoms (such as anxiety) by dealing with those symptoms themselves, rather than their deep seated underlying historical causes. Second, they were techniques, loosely related to what laboratory psychologists were finding out about the mechanisms of learning, which were formulated in testable terms. Indeed, practitioners of behavior therapy were committed to using techniques of proven value or, at worst, of a form which could potentially be put to the test. The area where these techniques proved of most value was in the treatment of anxiety disorders, especially specific phobias (such as fear of animals or heights) and agoraphobia, both notoriously difficult to treat using conventional psychotherapies.

After an initial flush of enthusiasm, discontent with behavior therapy grew. There were a number of reasons for this, an important one of which was the fact that behavior therapy did not deal with the internal thoughts which were so obviously central to the distress that patients were experiencing. In this context, the fact that behavior therapy proved so inadequate when it came to the treatment of depression highlighted the need for major revision. In the late 1960s and early 1970s a treatment was developed specifically for depression called ‘cognitive therapy’. The pioneer in this enterprise was an American psychiatrist, Professor Aaron T. Beck, who developed a theory of depression which emphasized the importance of people’s depressed styles of thinking, He also specified a new form of therapy. It would not be an exaggeration to say that Beck’s work has changed the nature of psychotherapy, not just for depression but for a range of psychological problems.

In recent years the cognitive techniques introduced by Beck have been merged with the techniques developed earlier by the behavior therapists to produce a body of theory and practice which has come to be known as ‘cognitive behavior therapy’. There are two main reasons why this form of treatment has come to be so important within the field of psychotherapy. First, cognitive therapy for depression, as originally described by Beck and developed by his successors, has been subjected to the strictest scientific testing; and it has been found to be a highly successful treatment for a significant proportion of cases of depression. Not only has it proved to be as effective as the best alternative treatments (except in the most severe cases, where medication is required), but some studies suggest that people treated successfully with cognitive behavior therapy are less likely to experience a later recurrence of their depression than people treated successfully with other forms of therapy (such as antidepressant medication). Second, it has become clear that specific patterns of thinking are associated with a range of psychological problems and that treatments which deal with these styles of thinking are highly effective. So, specific cognitive behavioral treatments have been developed for anxiety disorder, specific phobias and social phobia, obsessive compulsive disorder, and hypochondriasis (health anxiety), as well as for other conditions such as compulsive gambling, alcohol and drug addiction, and eating disorders like bulimia nervosa and binge-eating disorder. Indeed, cognitive behavioral techniques have a wide application beyond the narrow categories of psychological disorders: they have been applied effectively, for example, to helping people with low self-esteem and those with marital difficulties.”

In A Conversation with Aaron T. Beck he describes the process with which he came to develop cognitive behavior therapy.

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تيل ليندمان

 تيل ليندمان المولود عام 1963 في الرابع من يناير، هو مغني وكاتب أغاني وملحن في فريق الميتال والهارد روك رامشتاين.

Buchmesse

ابتدأت في الاستماع الى رامشتاين في العام الماضي، كجزء من استمتاعي بموسيقى الميتال بشكل عام. لنفهم السبب في أن موسيقى رامشتاين مميزة جدا علينا أوّلا أن نفهم تعبير موسيقي وهو الريف.

Riff:

noun
a short repeated phrase in popular music and jazz, typically used as an introduction or refrain in a song.
“a brilliant guitar riff”
أي أنّه مقطع صغير مُعاد، أو مقطوعة موسيقية مُكرّرة.

تمتلك رامشتاين مجموعة من أكثر الريفات المميّزة والتي تعلق في ذهنك لأسابيع وأسابيع؛ حتّى بالمقارنة بفرق الميتال الأخرى فهم مُميّزون جدا.

Rammstein – Bück dich (Official Audio)

السبب الثاني لتميز رامشتاين هو الصورة التي يقدّمون نفسهم بها، فمن اشعال النيران في أعضاء الفريق على المسرح الى استعراض أدوات جنسية تسببت في دخولهم السجن في مرّة، لا يمكن أن تنسى فيديو كليب أو حفلة لرامشتاين:

Rammstein Bück Dich live explicit

كبير جدا
صغير جدا
الحجم يفرق على كل حال
كبير جدا
صغير جدا
يمكنه أن يكون أكبر قليلاً
مرسيدس بنز والأوتوبان
أسافر وحدي في البلد الغريب
الرحلة الرحلة، متعة السواقة
أريد أن أستمتع لا أن أقع في الحب
فقط قليلا…
مجرد عاهرة!
أنتِ تملكين مِهبلاً
أنا أملك قضيباً
فما المشكلة؟
فلنفعلها بسرعة
خذيني الآن قبل أن يفوت الوقت
الحياة قصيرة، لا يمكنني الانتظار
خذيني الآن، ألا ترين؟
لا يمكنني الحصول على الجنس في ألمانيا!
قصير جدا
طويل جدا
لا يهم، حجمٌ واحد يسع الكل
كبيرٌ جدا، صغيرٌ جدا
الحاجز عليه أن يُفتح!
أيتها المرأة الجميلة، أنتِ تريدين المزيد
بلتزكريج مع السلاح اللحميّ
الكحول في الرأس، أيتها العروس الجميل
ضعي السجق في المخلل الملفوف!

قد يعتقد المستمع أو المشاهد لرامشتاين للمرّة الأولى أنّها فرقة تسعى لاحداث الضجيج واصدار محتوى لا معنى له، وسيكون هذا الشخص أبعد ما يكون عن الحقيقة.

 خلف هذه الموسيقى الصاخبة والكلمات الصادمة والمشاهد العنيفة، رامشتاين هي احدى تلك الفرق، التي لا تخشى التساؤلات والموضوعات المهمة؛ تستخدم رامشتاين أسلوب الرمز والسخرية والتهكم والازدراء في كلماتهم وأدائهم، وهم قليلو الظهور جدّا في اللقاءات التلفزيونية، ويرفضون شرح المقصود من فنهم في هذه اللقاءات، ما يفتح الباب لجميع التفسيرات الظاهرية والمتعمقة للنص.

 

فمثلا نجد على موقع جينياس، الموقع المعني بشرح كلمات الأغاني، أن حتى معجبي رامشتاين المخلصين لم يجدوا مناصاً من الاختلاف في معنى أغنية “بوسي” أو مِهبَل، فرآها هذا بمعناها المباشر؛ أنّها تحتفي بالجنس، بينما قدم آخر تفسيراً أكثر عُمقاً بُناءً على الفيديو كليب؛ قائلاً فيما معناه: “… يستخدم تيل أسلوب التهكم، كما في أغنية “أمريكا” التي تبدو أنها مديح لأمريكا، بينما في الحقيقة هي ازدراء للنموذج الاقتصادي السام، مطاعم الفاست فود، وعمالة الأطفال في دول العالم الثالث.

في فيديو “بوسي” يصور نوادي التعري، الدعارة وصناعة البورن. وأيضاً يتضمن فتاة تُحضر الى غرفة الأوتيل في حقيبة سفر! فمن الواضح أن الأغنية تشير الى معاملة المرأة في صناعة الدعارة والأفلام الاباحية في ألمانيا. حتى أنا أرى هذا المعنى رغم أنّي أبعد ما أكون عن النسوية…. “

https://genius.com/Rammstein-pussy-lyrics

استخدام فرقة الميتال الألمانية رامشتاين للغتهم الأم في أغلب أغانيهم يجعل للاستماع لأغانيهم متعة أكبر، فالألمانية لغة عنيفة الملافظ، بالنسبة لغير المتحدث بها. وهي تليق جدّا بموسيقى الميتال الصاخبة.

Rammstein – Rosenrot (Official Video)

رأت فتاةً وردة صغيرة
أزهرت هناك في مرتفعات مضيئة
سألت حبيبها
اذا كان يمكنه أن يحضرها لها
هي تريدها وهذا حسن
هكذا كان وهكذا دائما سيكون
هي تريدها وهذا هو العُرف
أيّما أرادت أُعطيت
آبارٌ عميقة يجب أن تُحفَر
اذا أردت ماءً نقيا
حمراء-وردة .. آهٍ حمراء-وردة
الماء العميق لا يجري بهدوء
يصعد الفتى الجبل في عذاب
هو لا يهتمُ حقّا بالمشهد
فقط الوردة الصغيرة في عقله
يحضرها الى حبيبته
هي تريدها وهذا حسن
هكذا كان وهكذا دائما سيكون
هي تريدها وهذا هو العُرف
أيّما أرادت أُعطيت
آبارٌ عميقة يجب أن تُحفَر
اذا أردت ماءً نقيا
حمراء-وردة .. آهٍ حمراء-وردة
الماء العميق لا يجري بهدوء
عند جزمته، ينكسر حجرا
لا يريد أن يكون على الحافة مزيداً من الوقت
وصرخةٌ تُعلمُ الجميع
أن الاثنين يسقطان الى الأرض
هي تريدها وهذا حسن
هكذا كان وهكذا دائما سيكون
هي تريدها وهذا هو العُرف
أيّما أرادت أُعطيت
آبارٌ عميقة يجب أن تُحفَر
اذا أردت ماءً نقيا
حمراء-وردة .. آهٍ حمراء-وردة
الماء العميق لا يجري بهدوء
* * *
روزِن-روت أو حمراء-وردة هي أول أغنية أسمعها لرامشتاين .. الفيديو مثير للغاية، والموسيقى شديدة الغموض والظلامية، روزِن-روت  هي أغنية من ألبوم رامشتاين الخامس من عام 2005 المُعنوَن بنفس الاسم، تتكلم الأغنية عن الأفعال العبثية التي يقوم بها الناس باسم الحب، والتي قد تنتهي بالموت!
   الأغنية مقتبسة من قصيدة جوته المسماة “وردة صغيرة في الحقل” أو هيدِنـروزلين منشورة عام 1799 وتم تحويلها الى معزوفة.

Heidenröslein

Rammstein – Amerika (Official Video)

يُمكننا الكلام لساعات عن رامشتاين.. فهم بحرٌ واسع.. وأتمنّى أن أكون قد شددتك قليلاً للخوض في غمار هذه التجربة الموسيقية الشديدة.

Just a thought train

Hello, dear diary.

Enjoy the moment, every single moment of your life.

I’m really enjoying the song ‘Ghaba’ by “Marawan Pablo”. He’s from Alexandria and I enjoy his Alexandrian accent.

Listening to a good Trance music track. Spotify is my favourite music application these days.

My friend A. sent me a crack and I’m using it Premium 🤪

My friend K. promised to send me games that would fit my Laptop 💻

I’m 29 and it has been a good year so far, I just wish the Corona virus would be over.

I got 95 from 100 in the translation from Arabic into English exam. That’s so good.

Spending a good time with my mom, she came to visit me at home.

I wanna work. I wanna play the drums and the piano 🎹

I’m happy that my second ex cheated on me; cause she was sick and toxic.

My forth ex was very respectable, she came into my life and left with respect. She was a good person, and they were good 7 months.

I need to work on my grammar.

I’m reading about Mythology these days, it’s very interesting. First Al Sawwah is the best. He’s a Syrian writer and researcher.

I wanna read English novels to enhance my English.

Reading 📚 books is the best hobby ever.

Love is God.

Mohye Addin Ibn Arabi was a good philosopher.

What to read next?

I wanna read to Hawkins and Christopher Hichens and Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris.

I watched the movie of Hawkins with my 3rd ex, it was good.

Bizzar from D12 is so funny 🤣

Music 🎶 is my life. I just love 💘 it.

I wanna play ▶️ music. I wish I were able to rap like Eminem.

How I Met Your Mother 👩 ❤ was a heart warming series.

My atheist ⚛ interest me more than the religious ones.

I believe in the Big Bang theory and the theory of evolution ✨

That reminds me of Korn’s song: “It’s evolution…!”, great song.

I miss System of a Down, I first listened to them when I was 11! They got me into Heavy Metal! System of a Down, Linkin Park, Godgory, Draconian, Opeth, Cradle of Filth, Chimaira, Lamb of God, Epica, Nightwish, Amon Amaranth, Nike, Metallica, Slayer, Dream Theater, Dimmu Borgir, Behemoth, are all good bands.

I wanna return to praying 🙏 to God.

“Forgive me father 👨 for I have sinned”.

Today I went to the gym and my psychiatrist.

Tomorrow I have lectures.

Enough for today!

Smoking

In about October, 2014, I started smoking. I had just become 23. I was in my second year at my Sociology University Program. At the first year I started my education late; because I had to travel back and forth to finish the paperwork related to changing my college.

In the beginning of 2013, I met my best friends at a resort beach ⛱ ♥ ✨

It was beautiful 😍, did you ever experience retroactive jealousy? Because I do.

Anyways, I’m so angry and mad right now…

3.46 GPA

Hello, my blog.

This is another journal.

You see, joirnaling helps me remember where I was, where I am, and where I’m heading. It helps me recap my progress and development in life.

In 2013, I was supposed to be graduating from the Faculty of Engineering at the age of 22.

I joined this institute, which was away from my hometown at age 17. I joined in September 2008. On September 2013 I was supposed to be getting my degree as a Mechatronics Engineer.

But, at some point in 2009, depression got the best of me, my depression is a mix of a HUGE sense of pessimism, feelings of anxiousness, feelings of inferiority, hopelessness, helplessness, low self esteem, low self efficacy, very low self confidence, avoidant and fearful personality, generalised and social anxiety, and overthinking.

I feel that this is a very huge problem to solve; most of the time I’m really confused about where to start!

So I didn’t graduate, and instead I dropped out, so 5 years were wasted!

At 22, I joined the Faculty of Arts, and studied Sociology. It took me 5 years to finish the program. At 27 I had graduated finally.

I tried 4 jobs, and I was really frustrated! I was fatigued, not enthusiastic about life, tired, withdrawn, I didn’t want to live! There was no motivation!

How do people hold on to life? What keeps them going? Where does passion and motivation come from?

At age 28 I joined a new school, my third university program! That’s crazy really, but it happened.

I asked my father, and my psychologist. They told me go ahead.

My psychologist was really supportive, we started making baby steps, like: today, you’ll walk in class, it’s not obligatory to be social, but if someone talks to you, you’ll answer and have a little conversation.

Things started to work well, one kid talked to me, and another asked me for my number. In no time I had friends.

They are 10 years younger me, they remind me of my childhood.

At the same time, my colleague at the bookstore told me that she had a crush on me, so we started dating.

So, different aspects of my life were starting to function: I had an idea of what career to pursue, a love life, friends, I was good at my academic life, watching movies with friends, going to the club, and to the psychologist.

But, the damn inertia; caused by the depression, is still living, still creeps in every time I’m alone.

Now, there’re priorities, I need to work of course, and start saving money 💰 I want a bank account with some savings. And then start building my career. How long will this need?

To settle down in a western country, and maybe get married, when could this happen?

I don’t know really, I still don’t see everything clearly 🤷 like: do I want marriage and settling down, or travelling and adventure? I don’t know.

What if I’m with a person that doesn’t want a family, or what if I take so long to build my fortune and life.

Many questions to be answered, but I still have optimism, that things could work out for me.

I want self confidence, I want self esteem, and I want more skills in life.

This was a revision of the previous period.

These days, I just passed my first term in my second year, with a 3.46 GPA.

Exempted from compulsory recruitment, I saved from 1 to 3 years of military service, so that’s good 👍 😀

So, 6 years wasted, minus 3 years saved, so I’m only 3 years late in my life!

Anyways, I have plans, just haven’t made them clear yet.

So, thanks for reading.

~ Mo

Good days!

Sitting with my friend, in the cafe. I studied all tomorrow’s subject. My final exams begin tomorrow, my first term of the second year. 3 terms down, five to go, almost there!

Gotta read more books on translation studies, gotta learn German, and gotta learn writing better in English.

When I take my medication, everything is fine. I made a fine CV, with the help of my dearest friend ❤

My brother travelled to the Capital city, to continue with his education; he’s studying graphic designing. He’s an artistic person, I’m a thinker.

Still a smoker, I smoke, and I vape… then smoke some more, then vape again! 😄

Going to the gym gets me all pumped up, I’m starting to commit. I’m considering leaving the student activity.

I’m gonna hang out with my best friend tomorrow ❤ before that I’ll take the exam and go to my psychiatrist.

Last day I got a great haircut; it was a very productive day. I downloaded TikTok application!

Hanging out with different friends, they don’t do drugs or drink alcohol, this is more my style: decent people.

Alcohol in our culture is a no no! But a lot of kids now adays drink!

Anyways, gotta journal about my good days, to remember them later.

Gotta be grateful for the good days 😉

~ Mo!

Loose Screws

Psychedelic Trance.

It was an amazing day. Went to the cafe with my best friend ❤ and we watched a movie together. We also study together. Anxiety hits every now and then, Overcoming Anxiety for Dummies book is sitting in the shelf. Can’t get myself to read it. I have enough self help material to build a self help empire! I just don’t read them!

Lately I had a conversation about God, my friend told me God is Love. She is so spiritual 🙏🏻

So if God is Love, is making love an act of worship? Maybe. I’d like to think that.

God is love, then how come I live in fear? Fear must be the devil. Consciousness is God’s awareness. My free will is a Godly gift, that makes me humans.

I bought 23 books on Mythology. Can’t get myself to read them, I have 1000 hard books, aside from the electronic books.

When I was working in the book store I got to know about all the new novels, and I met my ex there.

Today I studied Grammar, and discussed religion with my best friend.

Will our spirits live on? I hope.

My friend tells me I’m too feminist! I told him you’re too misogynist!

It’s all a matter of perspective, in the past, all Gods were females, there was only Godesses.

Mother nature is feminine. Femininity is wise, and civilised; just like mothers!

Do you believe in God? Well, maybe, just not your God!

I worship God out of love, you worship out of fear, and that makes all the difference.

Human is a religious ape!

A Sapien.

How long has it been? 150,000 years?

Ugh! It’s hard to concentrate on so many things! Is it a spiritual sickness or a mental illness?

Don’t listen to Slayer, God ‘loves’ us all.

Whether you’re alone or have company, be sure that God/Love is looking out for you.

Read a Qur’an or a Holy Bible or the book of Tao, and find some Truth.

Elton John’s loved The Hu. I love them too!

Wolf Totem; Hu! Hu! Hu! Hu!

I remember when my friend told I was like Ted Mosby! Looking for the One!

Did I find her? Maybe 😉 but let’s keep that a secret for now.

I hung out with my friend M and he told me all about translation; he had my best of interest in heart.

Pay it forward; learned that from the TV!

We are all living in America; it’s wonderful! Learned that from Rammstein!

I was 12 when I first watched Fight Club. Tyler Durden is me.

Lupe Fiasco says that freedom ain’t free! What would Sartre think of that?

I don’t need to know more, I just need to learn about the Mongols, and they will teach me everything.

Mother, I was born with screws loose in my head! Could I use mindfulness to get my brain back?

Just venting

Good evening, blog.

It’s the 14th of Feb. 2021.

I think by this time in 2019 I had quit my job at the gym.

It was a rich experience; getting to know all these body builders, captains, and rich people in my society; some of them were judges, and some police officers.

The owner wanted me to treat them with respect, regular clients wouldn’t get the same special treatment, but the VIP clients were handled gently; you never want a problem with the police or the judges in a corrupt country like ours, where you could get fucked for just speaking your mind.

Where I come from the entire country is the like the ghettos in America; you fear the police and the statesmen, they can literally make you disappear.

The secret police can simply abduct your ass, throw you in the middle of the desert, and you’ll never get out.

And don’t get me started on the torture, where I come from, there’s no democracy, free speech, Secularism, freedom of belief, everything is corrupt to the core.

The previous president wasn’t able to handle all this corruption, he was ambushed, sent to jail, denied medical treatment, until he died to a heart attack in his trial.

Shit happens where I come from, and you just turn a blind eye, you act as it didn’t happen.

A fundamentalist religious country, with almost all it’s teenagers having sex, doing drugs, but bashing gays, lesbians, and atheists for being against God’s Will. Fucking hypocrites.

Turning a blind eye to a massacre, were a thousand protesters were shot in the head, their bodies burned, on live television. But can’t tolerate a girl raising the rainbow flag!

R.I.P. Sarah Hegazy.

Half of this society is having premarital sex, the other half cheating on their husbands and wives. But being LGBT is against God’s will, as if it wasn’t that same society that threw off a religious government.

And you know what? When the religious group came to power they said they didn’t want religious fanatics, buy when you talk to them about Secularism they tell you it’s against their religion. Retarded motherfuckers, they don’t even know the difference.

So much shit to talk about, but fuck it. I’m out!

14 Feb. 2021

Yesterday decided to take some off from studying. Watched a movie and a half… got bored, put a holistic plan for my healing of depression that will never apply, lol!

Had some fun time with my dearest friend. It was amazing.

Today ate a cheese cake at the cafe next to me.

Just wanted to be grateful for the good times.

Dear diary

Hello, diary. It’s me again. I remember the time I was 10 and listened to Eminem for the first time. Back then Lose Yourself, Cleanin’ Out My Closet, Sing for the Moment, & Without Me were so famous, they were all over the music channels. The first music I ever listened to was Beethoven and Bach, I was so young at the time. I had a special life, met beautiful people. Now the depression wants to take that all away; wants to tell me I never had a life. I know it’s lying, but… it creates feelings. When you don’t feel happy everything seems gloomy and darkness prevails. I was so young when the depressive mood set in, I was just 11. It looks like a priority to fight back the depression, but I feel as it isn’t possible. The feeling is so heavy, you just feel as if there was no escape. Even ECT didn’t work for me. Still the anxiety is strong, the depressive emotions, or rather lack of, are still subtle and present. I keep walking down that circle, where I decide to overcome my depression, then forget about the decision, it’s hard to self-help. To be honest I can’t accept the feeling, it’s suffocating me. I can’t appreciate the good in my life feeling that bad. Deep emotions are stuffed, I don’t know where to begin. I feel critical towards my society, towards my friends, don’t feel happy. I want to explode. The pain turns into frustration then angst then helplessness and hopelessness. I did my time and I want out. What’s my next step?